It was a glorious, sunny day in Scotland, which, if you've never been there, is about as rare as a rainy summer day in Texas, and I was out enjoying the sunshine. The day began with sampling some local beers at Summerhall, site of the former Veterinary School of Edinburgh. For any male teenagers reading this blog, as well as the easily amused (including myself), the full name of the school is the Royal (Dick) School of Veterinary Studies in Edinburgh. The school has been moved but, thankfully, as with most old timey things here in the UK, the pub remains. The pub, of course, is named simply, The Royal Dick. Which I never got tired of saying.

After downing several beers in the sun, it was time for nourishment. After deciding that everyone at the beer festival was being a Royal Dick (getting into the spirit now, aren't you), I wandered off in search of some sustenance. One of the closest places was the student union of the University of Edinburgh, which houses the Library Bar. This is another of the timeless jokes of bars near colleges naming themselves "The Library".

CAUTION: AUSTIN, TEXAS HISTORY SIDENOTE

There's another Library Bar in Austin so the students can say to their parents, "Can't talk to you mom and dad, I'm headed to the library" but what they really mean is "I'm headed out to this ironically named bar called the library that makes you think I'm studying but I'm really going to get blotto and make out with some dude/chick from Estonia."

Sadly enough, the Library Bar in Austin exists in the same space on 6th Street as a club called Steamboat. A few of the people you might have heard of who performed at Steamboat included Stevie Ray Vaughan, The Butthole Surfers, Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks.

BACK TO THE NACHOS

After consulting the menu, I ascertained that nachos were, in fact, present. Not only were they present but, the menu assured me, these were the BIGGEST ORDER of nachos available in all of Edinburgh. I know that ordering nachos in the UK can be a dicey proposition (with notable exceptions) so I refrained from ordering the big bowl of nachos and opted instead for the poco (that's "little" to you gringos) size.

The big bowl came first and...just take a gander at the picture in the header above to see what they looked like. I've gotta say they were big. The problem was, however, that a bunch of the chips got mangled on their way into the bowl, resulting in a big bowl of what looked like nacho cereal. The owner was even reduced to eating the monstrosity with a fork.

The Little Nachos

My nachos arrived shortly after "The Thing" and I was relieved that it wasn't the Towering Inferno of nachos that I was afraid it was going to be, as you can see there to the right.

However there was still a problem with the nacho preparation which, if you've read any of my earlier posts you can probably see right off the bat - EVERYTHING IS STACKED ON TOP!!

There are two main problems with this nacho approach:

I like to sample the salsa. Because, sorry, UK, but 99.5% of the time your salsa sucks and tastes like ketchup. By immediately pouring your sub-standard salsa on the chips, you infect both the chips below the ground zero of salsa and also inflict collateral damage upon the surrounding chips.
This makes the chips really soggy. I like to dip the chips into the dips. So by the time I'm eating the chips underneath the dips, they're really nasty. Plus, you guys always go WAY OVERBOARD with the sour cream.

But I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness. UK, this problem can be easily remedied. Let me introduce you to my friend.....the ramekin.

You're welcome. You can repay me in un-soggy nachos.

Click here for the first part of this post! After my disappointment with not meeting Nessie, I hurried back to Inverness so that the entire trip wouldn't be a waste of time - I was planning to make the afternoon disco!

I had a few minutes to kill until the bus showed up, so I stopped and ate a sandwich and drank a beer that I purchased at the local Nessie shop. This turned out to be more of a chore than I thought it would be because the counterperson, who was probably about 16, wasn't sure if she could sell me the beer. She had to call her manager/mom to make sure that the purchase was kosher. Fortunately for the both of us, it was.

The bus brought me back from Drumnadrochit and dropped me off at the fancy Route 66 American Diner. It was approximately 3pm, which meant that the afternoon disco was in full swing, but I faced a dilemma because I wanted to see a bit of Inverness while there was still some daylight.

I wandered around the town a bit, which, like most towns in the UK, had a fairly compact and traffic-free centralshopping district. Inverness came to prominence as a trading town in the middle ages and was considered to be the capital city for the Central Highlands of Scotland.

Most of the town signs were in English/Gaelic, including the McDonalds! (It says "Welcome to McDonald's" if you couldn't figure it out. And no, I didn't eat there.)

I found the local museum, which was free (hooray, free museums!) and learned probably more than I'll ever need to know about Bonnie Prince Charlie and the Jacobite Rebellion.

Finally, having met my Scottish history quotient for the day, I felt that it was time to make my way to the real purpose of my quest - The Afternoon Disco!!

From outside, the Afternoon Disco pub looked like any other Scottish pub.

The bar is called MacCallums and is in downtown Inverness, not too far from the train station.

Inside, however, it was a different story.

I arrived shortly before 5pm and the place was already packed. The lights were out in the pub, and the dance floor was illuminated with flashing disco lights. There was a singer belting out favorite standards on the stage, backed by a tape machine.

People were coming and leaving in waves. This was a big destination for bachelorette parties ("Hen Nights" as they say over there) and there was a contingent present all festooned in pink shirts, balloons, feather boas and penis lollipops.

I tried to take a picture of the crowd, but it doesn't really do the Afternoon Disco justice. If you look at the pic at the top of the story, you can see the clock on the wall showing that it was just a little after 5pm.

The singer was actually pretty decent, but the main problem with the Afternoon Disco was that it too a really long time to get Afternoon Disco Juice from the bar keeps.

I was tempted to hit the dance floor to wow the locals with my signature move - The Robot but I didn't want to upset the locals and make them jealous of my dance movies, so I merely observed the disco unfold and drank my disco juice.

I didn't want to tarry too long at the Afternoon Disco, as I felt that it would spoil the magic.

I'm just happy to know that if I'm ever in the vicinity of Inverness and need to hear some tunes, hang out with some penis lollipops and it's 3pm in the afternoon, I know exactly where to go.